


Seventies Porn Epic Fail

by skargasm



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-05
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-17 17:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/870199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skargasm/pseuds/skargasm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fantasies weren't always what they were cracked up to be....For the purposes of this fic, Spike and Xander are living in domestic bliss, complete with dog!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seventies Porn Epic Fail

Take dog to the kennels? Check

Day spent doing necessary man-scaping to his body that had been shamefully neglected as of late? Check

Living room cleared of magazines, cold cups of tea, coffee and congealed blood and cereal bowls? Check

Subtle placement of flavoured lube by freshly plumped cushions on the sofa, as well as secreted in other places like the bathroom and the kitchen? Check

Significant other due to return in the next 20 minutes or so, complete with pizza thereby enabling him to re-enact _that_ scene from the movie that he accidentally saw which confirmed that he was gay, gay, gay at the tender age of 13 even if he spent many, _many_ years denying it to himself and anyone who might ask? Check, check and double check

Xander gave considerable thought as to whether or not he should greet the 'pizza-man' in the nude or dressed. He was going to wear the jeans that sent Spike off into automatic mega-grope mode but the negative side of those was that getting them off (no pun intended) involved a lot of wriggling and writhing that wasn't always sexy to watch or suffer through. Sweatpants weren't quite as sexy-somehow he had never quite mastered the art of having them hanging sexily from his hips, instead either needing to yank them up continually as they revealed far too much or suffering through the world's worst wedgie as the waistband seemed to rest under his chin. 

Still, he wasn't sure about opening the door with everything on display and pointing north. He'd compromised by wearing a scarlet jockstrap that had cost quite a princely sum and been excruciatingly hard to explain to Willow when it somehow got caught up in the laundry and he had to rescue it before it turned everything pink. How come there wasn't a sexy negligee set for a guy that didn't look so gay that there was no subtlety at all? It struck him as incredibly unfair and he wondered whether a google search might find him something. 

Probably. 

He would have to get into that. 

Later.

Checking the clock, he realised that Spike was late. All he'd had to do was report in to G-man then pop into their local pizza shop, pick up their regular order and return channelling every cheesy porn movie ever made-all that was missing was seventies music playing loudly in the background. The scarlet jockstrap was pretty but it wasn't particularly comfortable. And it was starting to get too chilly in the evenings to lounge around topless. His nipples were so hard he seriously ran the risk of poking Spike in the eye when he got there. Xander gave them both a brisk rub which took away the chill but made the jockstrap fit a little bit tighter. 

How long did it take to pick up a pizza?

He suddenly remembered the beer he had bought to go with the pizza. It might be true that he was hoping they would be reheating the pizza to eat after a rampant sex session on the sofa, but Spike always appreciated a good micro-brew. Grabbing them from the fridge, he placed them on the table that he had put carefully out of reach of flailing limbs. One more check on the candles to make sure that there should be no risk to anything or anyone flammable and he was back to waiting nervously.

The new coverlet on the sofa was corduroy and he found himself wondering if he would have groove marks on his ass cheeks and whether it would matter. Maybe Spike would like to kiss them better-after all, the only marks that should really be on his body now should be from Spike. He'd had an unexpected day off from fixing Slayer headquarters and had spent the day in quivering anticipation of shocking Spike with some sex that wasn't a fumble in a dark bedroom after a long day of carpentry and then patrol that had on the last two occasions led to him falling asleep midway through. It wasn't a knee trembler in a dark, dirty crypt that involved way too many spider webs and creepy crawlies for his comfort and invariably led to him being too distracted to fully enjoy Spike's talents. He was too young to accept a lifetime of sensible 'married' sex-he wanted to be ravaged on the sofa, debauched in the kitchen, fucked senseless in the bathroom. And if he was very, very lucky he could have all of those this very evening. If Spike, who was normally a creature of habit, would get a bloody move on with their pizza so he could play his role!

He stretched out on the sofa, arranging himself artfully before he remembered that Spike generally forgot his keys and Xander had to let him in-hence the pizza deliveryman scenario where he greeted the astoundingly good looking pizza man and somehow ended up paying for his meal with his body rather than hard cash. He shrugged-he would no doubt hear Spike's arrival and could get up then. The sofa was really quite comfy and although the corduroy seemed like a weird material to cover a seat with it definitely held in the heat. He was feeling downright toasty warm. He took a longer than normal blink. 

Then another one. 

And another.

* * *

“Oi, Xan, look who I met on the way back from the Slayer Headquarters? He's come from L.A to pass on some info from Angel and the like and I convinced him to pop round and have pizza with us – where are you? I'm sorry I'm late-oh bloody hell!” The fact that it took Wesley a gratifying number of minutes to take his eyes off the image of Xander's mostly naked body sprawled out on their sofa was not something that passed Spike by. He could forgive the bloke because Xander did look a right treat spread out like that, the red slash of material at his hips and groin a delightful contrast to his tanned skin, face all relaxed and sleepy. But still, the growl that came from his chest was involuntary-he didn't like anyone else seeing Xander like that. 

Xander must have been well out of it because he was blinking sleepily up at Spike and Wesley, not yet cognisant enough to try to hide that rather gorgeous body. The smile he gave Spike made him decide quite swiftly to reconsider the dinner invitation to Wesley-lately, there had only been time for quick shags before either Xander fell asleep or Spike had to be out and about patrolling. He missed the spontaneous fucks that had happened in grave yards and crypts but he understood that Xander didn't find them quite the turn on that he did. And he finally realised what all the funny looks and smirks had been about over at Slayer HQ – they must have all realised Xander had plans for the evening although no doubt they had romanticised them **a lot** in their head-they all needed to get a life and stop watching him and his boy, whispering about how cute they were. But yeah, it made sense of a lot of conversations he had interrupted today – that, and Buffy telling him to shoot off early which she almost never did. 

“Sorry, Wes - you mind catching a taxi back to Slayer Central? Looks like I missed a cue or something and I think I need to get with the script.”

“No, no problem at all – I completely understand!” Wesley was an interesting shade of red and still hadn't taken his eyes off of Xander which caused Spike to move so that he was blocking Wesley's view whilst pushing him less than gently in the direction of the still open front door. In fact, Wesley was still stumbling over more words as Spike shut the door in his face and turned back towards the living room. Even better than sprawled out on the sofa, Xander had stood up and was engaged in a full body stretch that did marvellous things for his muscles, made the jockstrap dip in quite an enticing fashion and generally made Spike completely ignore the squelching sound caused by him stepping onto a large pizza in his haste to get across the small living room to take Xander into his arms. 

Far better than anything the boy might have had planned – and it looked like the height of romance complete with candles, flavoured lube and the scarlet jockstrap – now that Xander had had his nap, he should be more than capable of keeping up with Spike's appetite and for some reason, pizza was no longer on the menu. 

“You ruined my porn movie.”

“What?”

“I was re-enacting something symbolic from my youth and you ruined it.”

“And this symbolic moment – something to do with porn was it?” He slowly but surely steered Xander in the direction of the bedroom while they talked, enjoying how pliant and submissive his partner was when he was half asleep. 

“Yep, complete with seventies music. And we don't have a broken photocopier so we can't do that one.” 

“You do know you're barmy right mate?” 

“Does that mean I don't get laid? Cos I'm not the one who was running late which caused me to fall asleep you douchnozzle!” 

“Lovely! Last time I teach you any good ol' British insults.”

“I'm pretty sure douchnozzle originated in the States Spike.” Xander allowed himself to be tumbled onto the bed, lifting his hips willingly as Spike divested him of the bright red jockstrap with all haste. 

“Can't bring myself to give a shit at the moment.”

“Well, humph! Hang on, didn't you come in with someone – oh my God, was that Wesley who saw me?”

“Xander – I am about to give you the rimming of your life, closely followed by a fuck that should by rights enter the list of your top ten sexual experiences. Do you want to talk about porn movies, douchnozzles and Wesley, or should I put my tongue to better use?!” Hands on hips, Spike could only admire the way Xander's cock noticeably perked up at the description of what he intended to do while he waited for Xander to decide what he wanted. It was less than six seconds before Xander had placed his hands behind his knees and rolled himself into a neat half-circle so that his delectable arse was presented for Spike's delight.

“Have at it!” They could discuss porn movies later – Spike had better things to do with than play pizza delivery man!


End file.
